Toxic Relationship

TRIGGER WARNING: Physical and emotional abuse

So before i say anything, I know this story is kind of messed up but I just need to speak about it.

August 2020 was the first time I met him, to keep his identity private well call him Kyle. Me and Kyle met in an unfriendly environment. But we hit it off straight away. I kinda knew Kyle because he was in the year above me in school but we never spoke. So this was the first time ever speaking. The conversation only lasted a minute, but from that day forth we where always talking, every single day. I still remember how excited I was to come home from school just to call him or text him, god I feel so sorry for me back then not knowing what I was about to go through.

Weeks went by of texting. Kyle was always asking me to come out to him but I was just really shy back then so I called it off a few times. At this stage I was really into him and I thought he was into me. The 8th of September 2020 was the first time we ever went out. I was really nervous, and so was he, but as soon as we saw each other the conversation went so smoothly. We were talking for ages then we had our first kiss and it was really good I really felt we were made for each other. So we got up and went for a walk, then he pulled a condom out from his pocket and indicated to me that he wanted to have sex with me. I was just weirded out and said no. That was the very first red flag for me but I just swept it under the carpet.

I went home feeling really happy that we got on well. The next day we went out was the 12th of September and it was the same vibe, really easy conversation, but he was drunk, however I didn’t mind it that much. We were flirting and kissing and all that and he said to me, “so when am i going to get with you?” I said “now.” so we got together, then a half hour later, he asked me to have sex with him. I didn’t want to but he said he’d go easy so I just followed through.

The next few weeks after that where really good. Then it got to November and it went down hill from there. We were 24/7 arguing, mainly about our pasts, but we kinda got over November and we were still together.

December was really bad. This month he started to show his true colours. This is when he became abusive, in every way. If I didn’t do what he wanted me to do he’d beat me or he’d emotional abuse me and manipulate me. I just wanted to get out of the relationship and run but every time I tried to run out of the relationship he’d threaten me. So for my own safety I stayed.

In January he was cheating on me but I didn’t know at the time. In January he was starting to be real weird towards me. I felt like he was loosing feelings but it was just cause he was out having sex with other girls and they where on his mind. Things where just really bad in January. We broke the last day of that month and I told my mam that we broke up, but later on that night we got back together so I told my mam and she said that I wasn’t aloud back with him basically and to never talk to him again cause she knew everything that he was doing to me. But I was secretly with him behind my ma’s back. I just thought I was in love.

But things just got worse with me and Kyle. I started cheating on him. There’s no excuse for it but I just felt like I needed to try everything to get out of this relationship. So I cheated on him everyday of the relationship but he never found out. Until one day in April. We were out drinking and he went through texts with another boy I was cheating on him with, then he punched me. He called my mate to get me because I was mortally drunk and he left me in a field, vulnerable to anyone that could’ve taken advantage of me. He also took advantage of me being drunk and that was the worst feeling i have ever experienced in my whole life.

My mate called my mam and my mam found out I was talking to Kyle again so I was grounded and had no phone, but that didn’t stop me from continuing to secretly be with him. I was still speaking to him in school. This was all in April 2020, then around came my birthday in May. I got my phone back and I was ungrounded. I was still seeing him. This was the worst it had ever been. He would lie to me everyday emotionally and physically abuse me. I was in the worst place I have ever been mentally in my life.

Then his birthday came around. I just wanted to get back at him everyday from the hurt he was putting me through. So I just thought if I cheated on him then it would make me feel better. So the day before Kyle’s birthday I went to a session (outdoor drinking party) and I cheated on him with one of the guys there, which I felt great doing cause he cheated on me. Looking back I know I shouldn’t have cheated but I felt like that was my only option to make myself feel better. He didn’t find out about me cheating on him so we continued to be in this controlling un-loyal, toxic , horrible relationship.

In July I went to a holiday park with my friend, let’s just call her Jennifer. She lived on a farm and it was a holiday home so I went over with her because I went with her last year. We were drinking every night and just getting so drunk. Kyle didn’t mind because it was only me and her. One of the days he was going out drinking while i was in wexford and I just told him to be careful, then he started screaming down the phone at me telling me to kill myself and telling me he’s going to buy a brazzer (prostitute) with the money I gave him for his birthday.

I was just so shocked from what he was saying to me and for no reason. My friend got really pissed off because I was still with him and she just didn’t understand why. She told my mam everything about me and Kyle. That we were still seeing each other, that I got a pregnancy scare, that I slept with him, she even told her lies about what I had apparently done to myself over him. But it was mostly lies. My mam went ballistic. I was pregnant at the time and unfortunately after her beating me, the baby didn’t make it and I had a miscarriage. That was the hardest day of my life.

I felt like that was the last piece I had of Kyle and it got taken from me. My mam took everything away from me. School, friends, clothes, technology, make up, shaving, seeing my brother and sister, anything that would make boys be attracted to me. She was even going to send me to America but due to covid I couldn’t go. Me and Kyle were finished. Everything about us was finished. I was so alone. I had no one. My mam changed my schools but they all knew about what happened with me and Kyle.

I’ve been doing okay since all of that happened in July/August. I now realise the reason I stayed for so long was because I always thought he would go back to the person he once was, but that was just a trap to lure me in. And by god it worked. I only found out today (20th October 2021) that he cheated on me throughout the entire relationship. So if you read all the way down to here, please do not stay in a toxic relationship just because you think someone is going to change. I promise you they won’t.

Just move onto bigger and better things.

That is my story. Please don’t follow in my footsteps.