Part One:

I met a guy online. He’s Pakistani, good looking, funny, humorous, very decent and also quite friendly. The only problem is that he’s a bit too secretive and suffers alone. I feel he doesn’t show me his feelings and he always hesitates to tell me even though I think he wants to share.

We started with normal conversations about where we live, what we do, things we like, you know, personal stuff. I am very friendly and I always try to understand and hear people no matter how they are. I always try to treat people in a way that they feel comfortable enough around me and can relate to me. It was a nice friendly start.

One day he said he was having anxiety. I was surprised someone who doesn’t know me would share that as I have deal with anxiety before. I comforted him saying its okay and gave him some advice and solutions that might help. He was so grateful and happy by my approach.

Yes, I did make an impression on him by this approach. I could feel that my actions impacted him emotionally, which can make the bond strong and make us less like strangers.

Then suddenly I woke up and saw he left the conversation. I was not sad that he left cause we only knew each other for like 4-5 days or less. It’s okay if anyone wants to not continue. It’s actually common but I doubted that I did in fact make an impact on him. I deleted my account too cause I was on that app just to talk with people with no intention. Using the app to make friends with people. Just out of boredom I opened the app again. I was a little sad “oh he left? it’s okay but I wish I could say bye to him at least but it’s okay” that’s how I felt

Part Two:

I know it might sound weird but I actually felt an instinct that he was going to restore his account. I don’t know where that came from but I just knew, so I restored too and guess what, he was actually there. He knocked me and I was a bit angry so I replied, “Aren’t you bored enough. Why did you return?”

He said he was actually very overwhelmed by his anxiety so he thought having some time alone could be beneficial but it wasn’t so he thought heøs return and continue the conversation with me. Again I totally understand his point of view because I’m like that too and it’s normal. He asked, “I saw you deleted your account, why did you?” I told him he was the only person I was talking with so I didn’t have to be here if he was gone already.

I shared that I actually knew he would come back. He was maybe a bit surprised and asked me how? He also asked why I restored my account. I said because I felt like I made an impact on him so every time you have anxiety or something like that you might think about me. I felt like he was going to return so I restored the conversation after that. As well as comforting him through anxiety we also made fun of each other, teased each other, fought too (I have anger issues) but he’s lovely he’s always kind and caring towards me but it felt like it was platonic

From time to time I sometimes used to talk about my issues between our conversations like: “You know I don’t trust men because I have had horrible experiences with them” 

“I have attachment issues you know because of some incidents”. But I felt like between those conversations he was avoiding the deeper ones and focusing more into the platonic ones and funnier ones, which kind of made me feel like, “Is this person a bad one like he only wants me to hear his deep thoughts like anxiety of him but not paying much
attention to my ones. Ultimately, is this person using me?”

 I was expecting him to react like, “Oh it’s okay I hope you gradually recover from that or else I’m sorry you feel like that, are you comfortable to share why or anything? Do you want to talk about it?” 

Like a mental support like how I was with him during his anxiety times. We never discussed why or anything when he had anxiety but I focused more on helping him by giving him solutions and comforting words so he felt comfortable and better so I was bit upset but how can I straight forward ly say to someone that I’m expecting that so I didn’t and that’s why probably in my mind my disappointment grew.

Part 3:

Later I understood he’s a bit emotionally unintelligent and rather than understanding hints he only gets when someone tells him directly and he’s immature but I was angry at that point because of my disappointment. I said I don’t want to keep talking to you and he said, “Why? I said because I have attachment issues as I have said before and talking to him was making me more attached and my expectations were growing, which could be unhealthy for a friendship and later on we could end up hurting each other by not understanding each other. So I decided to end it. He was a bit confused and wasn’t understanding why I was acting like that so he said okay I won’t stop you if you want to go. Go ahead, I won’t force you but it’s the wrong thing to do when you’re alone, think about this situation and ask yourself what did you do. I listened to him and left

After some days I restored my account again because I kept thinking about him to the point I was desperate to talk to him and he knocked me again, “Oh, back again?” We again went to that friendly phase when we used to be friendly fun and platonic but then one day I had palpitations to the point I was crying and a sudden fear I felt in my heart so I thought let’s talk to him and tell him about this so he could give me some kind of support cause I thought we had that relationship where we can share things like this as I have talked with him about his ones before but as I said I’m bit bad at expressing so I just went to by saying. 

“I really wanted you to reply right now.”
“Why?”

“I was feeling a bit upset I just needed someone to talk to.”
“Well, there are many guys here.”

This text from him made me mad. I was talking about him but he didn’t get so instead of sharing I got angry instead.

Before when we talked he used to say I’m hard to understand because I keep giving hints rather than saying things in a straightforward way but I always said I was giving hints that were obvious. Anyway, this time I replied with,

“Am I really that hard to understand?” He said yes and then I was so hurt I said angrily,

“You always do this. I came to you because I was suffering and wanted support but instead of understanding me you didn’t pay even any attention to me not only this time before when I was sharing you didn’t pay attention or try to understand. I know you’re not emotionally intelligent enough to understand this but how can you ignore me when I’m telling you straightforwardly”?

That dummy was confused he didn’t get why I was mad I was texting him too fast cause I was mad and kind of yelling through texts he was scared why I had this sudden burst out and blaming him then I said we’re actually not meant to be we just always think like we understand each other but we don’t. We should part ways because this would be the best when we could end up hurting each other. In the end he was angry but he said he actually liked me. I said, “You don’t, you’re just trying to manipulate me so I stay and we go back to that platonic relationship we had”. He said he was telling the truth but I couldn’t trust him. He was angry, we had a fight and I left.

Part 4:

I restored the account again and he knocked me again after some time. We went back to how we used to but I told him not only that I didn’t want to continue this relationship for another reason. He asked what and I told him to get prepared because I had lied to him about my identity before. He said okay he’s ready to take whatever is it. I said I’m sorry I might hurt him by this but to prevent future hurt I want to tell him the truth I said that my name was actually not real. My profile name, my age was actually here for someday only and as it was online and anonymous. I faked my name but I thought I’m betraying him by not telling before I started to care about him. I said I’m sorry I lied but I hope he understands. He was so understanding he was not angry and didn’t blame me. Instead he accepted it and we went back to how we were like nothing had happened. I was scared he might get angry but he was a nice person so we went back to our regular relationship again.

But during this leaving for the second time I realised I was so attached to him that I felt my heart ache when I miss him like I used to get this sudden heart lingering palpitations type of feeling when I thought about him. It used to fade away but kept returning when I missed him. I even cried for him alone because I missed him. When I realised this I returned and said that I don’t know what this connection is but that’s how I felt this time. He said he found out that he keeps thinking about me and he can’t focus on work because he missed me so much, he said even for a moment that he couldn’t stop thinking about me and he kept restoring and checking the app to see if i’d come back.

Part 5:

We talked again normally and nicely but I found out time to time that what I always thought of when he would left wa that  this friendship wouldn’t last long. He was just an online friend. he’s not present and that dosent work so I felt I should stop being immature and recosngise I had a deep connection with him. I was never on the app to make friends anyway. The reality is actually I wanted someone to rely on sometimes and that’s what he gave me.

I’m thankful but when I’m constantly thinking about leaving him and not keeping this friendship, and talk to him openly, for example I told him  I found out he’s the opposite. He actually likes me so much but he won’t date me (that’s because before I have discussed and set a deal we would never date and develop any romantic feelings for each other cause I don’t date and I don’t trust and it’s not time for me to date. I would only date when I’m older enough to marry someone so not a chance). He respects my boundaries and didn’t bring up that he wants to date although  the platonic relationship was still there but I always resented his flirty texts and all but he never complained instead made fun teasing and kept saying I’m adorable. That makes him want to love me but after I said about my thoughts he was hurt and he said I can leave again if I want him to stop. I said I always keep returning so please this time you leave after we both had some kind of argument about who would leave first. I forced him to leave in the end by acting rude and then we were on a break for 3 days. This time I didn’t cry nor feel heart palpitations. I erased everything about him. I accepted it is the end we won’t ever be together and all. I went on a trip try to forget him hold myself not to restore again

Subconsciously, in truth,I was denying I wanted to return. I  returned once again and saw he deleted his account. I kind of got surprised that he always deleted his account when I deleted mine. He was only there because of me. It was nive to think that he actually cared and perhaps even loved me but in my gut i knew again he was going to restore. He did and we talked again. This time I was rude to him and said  I was relying on him like I didn’t want to talk and that I hated this, but the truth is I was enjoying it. I was liking it, I wanted to talk and he didn’t understand that I was liking it he said, “Whatever is it? Just talk with me is enough for me because it is hard for me to do anything when I don’t talk to you. I can’t even concentrate on studying.”

I talked with him again and I knew I was getting sweet on him again but this time when we talked he asked if I still wanted to leave. I said yes because that thinking I had before leaving still hasn’t gone from my mind so he understood and said okay then I think we should stop talking completely. In all seriousness. I said yeah but we know each other we’re unable to leave each other we both tried he said let’s try again we would never return completely he said although he knew he might come back. I said let’s do it and we did but as it was hard we knew so he replied let’s return again one month later on 1 December and talk to each other again for one day let’s take this break I will wait for that day.

Part 6:

This story is a personal story I experienced. It might sound toxic or unhealthy, we only knew each other for 29 days. But the reason I’m calling it a “beautiful feeling” is because the deep emotional connection I felt its confusing to me. It’s surprising to me but the attachment feels so pure and beautiful to feel but very tragic and hurtful. It’s uniquely a beautiful feeling for me no matter whatever happened the connection was so magical. I don’t know the ending but after 1 Dec there’s a chance we would never be together but honestly I hope we meet again accidentally again in future when we’re sorted. Maybe we won’t have any relationship but I would love to meet him one day and I hope that happens.