Dear Dad,

I miss the relationship we had when I was young. When I didn’t know all the bad things you did to Mom and all the mistakes you had made and would make. I miss being your little girl before you had lied and taken my trust away. I loved you blindly as a child, not knowing the unimaginable pain you would cause me in the future. You stopped being my dad and became only my father when I was about twelve 

A daughter needs her dad, you were there but you weren’t there for me. You stopped showing up to my events and then lied about the reasons. You are trying more now and I notice, but I don’t think I can ever forgive you for the things you have done. A dad is supposed to be the one helping his daughter through her first heartbreak, not be it. I miss you but I don’t want to be anything like you, you have set an example for exactly not what I want to be for my future children. 

You are a liar, manipulator, and so much more. If you stopped drinking then maybe we could go somewhat back to the relationship we had, but I will never fully trust you. I can never forget the things you have done and said. You will never read this, and I will never be able to tell you any of this. You used to be my favorite person in the world, now being around you makes me uncomfortable.

 I get nervous around adults who are drinking because of you. My heart drops a little every time Mom drinks because alcohol took you away from me and without her I have no one. I miss you but you make me feel guilty for things I shouldn’t. I miss you but I will never be able to forget all those nights I sat at the top of the stairs or outside your room, listening to you and mom argue just to make sure you wouldn’t hurt her because I didn’t know what you were capable of. 

I miss you but I will never be able to forget the way you made Mom cry and scared for her safety. I miss you but I will never be able to forget the horrible things you said about my mother, the one who has sacrificed her own happiness endless times just to make sure her kids were happy. I miss you but I will never forget the night I heard you hit my Mom and I came into your room only to see her laying on the ground unable to breathe with you standing over her, I was 10. 

You made mom feel bad after that night from trying to defend herself and giving you a tiny scratch on your face from her wedding ring. The ring that is supposed to signify your love for eachother, but you never cared about that. I miss you but you gave me a twisted view on what marriage is, I never saw you and Mom be affectionate the slightest bit, only scream and argue.

I miss you but I will never forget the night I had to come downstairs while you and Mom were fighting because it was going to get violent and you accused my Mom of cheating when you had affairs all throughout your marriage. 

I miss you but I will never forget the nights I had to sleep in the basement because I wasn’t able to sleep in my room because I was scared of you. I cried myself to sleep almost every night that month. I was 9. 

I miss you but you are the reason I started hurting myself. I hurt someone I cared about and thought the only way to make it ok was to hurt myself. I thought Mom cared about you and that she had hurt you, so you hurt her, and she let you because she hurt you first. I have so many twisted views on life because of you and the example you set for me. 

You constantly had a beer within arms reach, a six pack under your seat in your car at all times. You even drank and drove with my best friend in the car, not only putting your child’s life at risk, but another person’s child. What kind of person does that, do you really need alcohol tha much that you couldn’t go a two-hour car ride without it? I don’t understand. 

I get that alcoholism is a disease, and maybe I wouldn’t be so harsh if you actually tried to help yourself, but you never do. I miss you but I will never forget how you stole my money and my sister’s money and we had to start hiding it in our rooms. We were 12 and 16. 

I miss you but I will never forget when my sister had to pick you up from jail in the middle of the night because you got arrested for drunk driving. You paid her to drive you around since your license was shredded. You don’t understand how badly I want to have a good dad. I see other kids have great relationships with their dad’s and it makes me so sad because I know I will never have that. I miss you, but things will never be like they used to.

I hope you get better.

With love from your middle daughter x