I don’t believe any guy has wanted me for my favorite color, hobbies, or personality. Just lustful, and I’m an easy target. I don’t do anything with them. I’m just easy to keep around, lie to, and just manipulate. I do believe I’m very naive. I’m loyal; it’s the morally correct thing to do. Even though the majority of these guys aren’t .
Even in relations and friendships, I show there is no line you can cross to the point where I won’t leave. After some reflection on why that is, I believe it is connected to me and my father. Since childhood hes been absent, all I remember are arguments with my mom. Once my mom told me he skipped my 9th birthday to go on vacation with another woman, I was distraught. He ended up leaving our family. Three years later he called, I answered laughing, and I hung up saying I loved him.
No resentment, just fully so but forgiveness. If he were to leave again? All that hurt and resentment would resurface, making it impossible for me to ever find the strength to forgive. Same with boys: I stay until they leave, and I forgive until they leave. I yearn for someone to fear the thought of losing me, but I’ve already shown I’d stay through anything.
At this point I’ve accepted and believe that my looks and attraction are the only things a boy will see in me, and with reflection I’m ok with that. He’s not really interested in going to the movies or hanging out after school. Those are just the required steps to get to where he wants. My underwear. And this belief system didn’t actually start with my first relationship started with me in elementary school with one of the first boys I ever liked in my life using me for my body. That’s what I thought you did with a person you liked. Maybe I still think that. Maybe that’s why I’m still hurt.
A similar high school relationship led me deeper into depression. Depression is unstable and inconsistent. If I were to describe it to the average person, I’d say, Imagine four pounds bound to your chest. Making it inconvenient and difficult to breathe at all times. Even when happy and laughing, every breath is a constant reminder of the weight on your chest.
No hobby, activity, or self-care ritual can take off the weight on your chest. Eventually to the point where you find comfort in just not being able to breathe at all. So you hold your breath in order to relax, but you know inevitably you’ll have to take your next breath. Makes you question if you ever really want to breathe at all. It leads you down a rabbit hole where you’re trying to find a solution to lift the weight off your chest. You don’t understand your emotions and feelings.
Lack of understanding creates fear; as a result, you take matters into your own hands in the form of substances… Me? Personally, I have not tried drugs but have been tempted to buy a cigarette or e-cigarette as a solution. Currently, what do I use? High-caffeine drinks that I know will stop my heart over time. Even though for the past few months I have not had a drink. It’s forced to deal with and understand what I’m feeling. But today? Well, today was a rough day. I bought three. I didn’t feel like getting home just to break down again.