I have known what it is like to lose something or someone. I have known what it was like and before I was even born I lost someone I never knew and I would never know, but not having that person made me who I am today.

I always wonder what life would’ve been like and who I would’ve became if I never lost that person. If I never lost that relationship but I don’t let it drag me down. I tried very hard to not let it affect me but yet it still did in different ways.

I spent 20 years drifting and then I met him the person who became my best friend, the one that I could tell anything to. I met someone who became so important to me so quickly I fell madly and deeply in love like it was always meant to happen.

I am the type of person who believes that things are meant to happen, soulmates, stuff like that and when I met this person, I thought I finally found the one. He understood me. He never got angry with the amount that I talk or for who I am like so many other people had before him. I finally felt accepted for who I was with all the good and the bad that comes with me. To everyone else he was scary and an asshole but to me he was a big giant teddy bear and he was so sweet to me. He never wanted to do anything to hurt me which was a completely new concept for me it scared me shitless because for a while I was waiting for the penny to drop, but it never did. I ended up hurting him so many times. There were times when I would lay awake at night thinking about it and wondering, how does he still love me? Why does he still want me? Thinking back to it now he was probably scared too, wasn’t used to the kind of love that I gave, but he still gave me his love.

We almost made it a full year and then finally, slowly it all disappeared. We talked less less but what else was I supposed to expect? We never got a chance to meet. It was all words on a screen then finally it became less and I wasn’t even sure if he was alive or if any of it was real enough. Did I just make it all up in my head?

I believe that they began to hate me, didn’t want me anymore, and I’ll never know if that was the case because one day not that long ago, I got a very shirty goodbye. I’m not even sure if it was a goodbye but it broke me. I refused to believe it. I still don’t to this day. Eating away at me, changing me, I don’t know how to let people in anymore because I’m scared they’re going to leave and I can’t handle anyone else leaving me. It hurts too much. It would make me feel something and I don’t want to feel anything. I’m just numb. A shell of the girl I used to be, the girl that used to love, the girl they used to come to, the girl that I thought they would fight for. But they didn’t.

They gave up, they might’ve not given up, but to me, that’s how it feels that they didn’t fight hard enough, they didn’t give it a chance to actually see me, they didn’t fight hard enough to meet me to give me a chance. I know that they have to protect other people, the ones that they love, the ones that they knew before me, but it still hurts that I wasn’t important enough to be saved.

Even with all that pain and all that loss, I still love them to the moon and back and so much more and I always will. I don’t think I’d ever be able to move on I think if they were to see me now they would recognise me because I’ve changed so much from the loss.