I made my theatre costume late.

Well, as a matter of fact, I’m actually doing it right now when a photoshoot is about to happen in 10 hours.

And yep, I’m screwed. It’s not making it.

But do you wanna know what’s funny?

Since practice day, two weeks ago, I’ve never broken out of character.

Even now I’m procrastinating on a costume, which is exactly what my character would’ve done (kind of).

But no, I’m not really doing some sort of method acting.

I’m LIVING my role.

And the role I was casted in, was in the name of a character called FEAR.

I was new in theatre, but I was just as eager as any passionate beginner. Theatre was honestly the only thing in my life that I have had high hopes for. I knew it was gonna last long with me and that I wasn’t ever going to get tired of it at any point in my life.

And what do you know, all that devotion manifested into something so great! Right off the bat, I got casted as one of the leads in my first ever production! 

And the production had an interesting theme that especially called out to me. 

It was about Mental Illness with a twist involving emotions. Kind of like Pixar’s Inside Out.

It was about a boy named Secreto who kept his depression a secret to those around him.

He always pretended he was fine, but deep down he was actually suffering. And when he was about to kill himself, he was visited by his emotions in which there were four; Joy, Sadness, Anger, and Fear. 

Together, the emotions convinced Secreto to speak up about his struggles to his parents, ending the story tenderly with an embrace.

To my fellow co-actors, the story was touching, sad and impactful.

Yet, I felt numb about it. Perhaps a bit jealous, but not really.

I just thought about what life would have been like for Secreto if he never got accepted by his parents and instead was seen as an emotional burden by his family.

And then I thought, “he would’ve been like me if that happened instead.”

I admit I felt bitter about it. I even argued about it privately in my mind about how unrealistic the story could be in the sense that Secreto was strangely accepted so easily.

Secreto was lucky. He had an understanding and loving family. He had support. 

But me? I’m stuck being Secreto all my life, when the message of our play was to reach out and ask for help.

Ironic, isn’t it?

But what’s even more ironic is the fact that I’m playing the positive role of FEAR.

Oh, god, if only I’ve know the feeling of fear in a positive light.

But no, I had the kind of fear that made my life miserable.

This fear had been the main trigger of my depression.

This fear made me avoid even the smallest inconveniences.

This fear hindered my productivity and forcibly made me cancel on things I would’ve wanted to do.

This fear made me coop up in my room, rotting in bed, and unwilling to talk to anybody.

This fear has made it harder for me to become happy, time and time again.

This fear consumes me and it makes me miss out on theatre, miss out on new things, miss out on talking to someone, and so much more.

I’m sick and tired of fear. I’m sick and tired of being cowardly.

Looks like I’m missing the photoshoot.

I’m likely getting casted out of the production.

I don’t blame the director.

It’s a handful managing someone difficult like me.

Miserable, like me.

Thanks a lot, depression.