My Chronic Depression

My Chronic Depression

Hey everyone,

I’m new here and have never really done anything like this. I have been severely, chronically, and, sometimes, even catatonically depressed for over a year now. Before this, I was an outgoing, independent, go-getting, happy person.

I have recently been diagnosed with Bipolar 2 and have had depression and anxiety my entire life (but it was under control). This episode started when I broke up with my boyfriend who I thought was the love of my life only to realize he was a narcissist that not only manipulated me but left me in serious debt (I’ve taken care of the money situation already thankfully). 

I had never felt the happiness I felt with him and truly thought I was the luckiest person alive who finally met her soulmate. After realizing all the damage and because he put me through I broke up with him but that left me heartbroken (and I think what really triggered this episode but I’m not 100% sure). 

I had recently gotten divorced and had been dating a bunch before meeting my now ex-bf. At the beginning of my depressive episode, I didn’t leave my bed. For months I barely ate or drank, slept, and honestly was not even a human. To be honest, I don’t really have any recollection of that time either because I’m depressed and that can play with your memory. It could also be because I ended up doing ECT which may also affect your memory. 

After months of my catatonia, my family forced me to go to ECT, which I can fully admit stopped my catatonia, but the amount of memory loss and confusion I’ve been left with has not helped my mental state. I feel like it made it even harder for me to regain my identity because I can’t fully remember things from before treatment. 

Since then my ex reached out to me and I started talking with him again and all my feelings came rushing back (and I have not told a soul, even now. Not my family, not my one friend that I still have, I guess I felt guilty and ashamed. I think the reason I allowed this was that I could pretend like things were the way they were before I knew all the horrible things he did to me and that I found out about him.)

Meanwhile, I had tried every depression medication you can think of and none of them were helping. The only time I felt good was when I was talking with my ex. Along with 1000 other problems, he was cheating on me (again) and was dating another girl the entire time we were back together so one day I just blocked him on all platforms. No explanation, no goodbye, just literally blocked him so he could no longer manipulate my life and play with my feelings anymore. This entire time (with the communication with my ex and afterward) I’ve been so depressed and low, constantly crying, socially isolated myself, and am truly feeling like this period in my life will never end. I know it will, but it’s been so long feeling so bad and so down that it feels like this is just what my life is now. No friends, no job, no home to myself (after my divorce and depressive episode starting I sold my apartment and moved in with my parents because I really was not functioning like a normal human being), no income, and really just no life at all. 

I feel broken, I feel guilty, and shameful of the fact that I miss my ex, and am constantly remembering all the good times we had (I know it was all a lie and manipulation but that doesn’t change how I felt at the time). I think my brain does that because that was the last time I felt happiness. I’ve never journaled or written any of this down but I’m trying anything in the hopes of feeling better because I really don’t want this to be how my life is. 

I don’t know if anyone will take the time to read this massively long post but I’m writing it anyway because people say journaling helps you process your feelings and maybe help with depression. There are so many more details and other parts of the story but honestly, I would be writing all day to explain it all. I’m broken and just want this period in my life to be over. I want to be the person I was before all of this but I don’t think it’s even possible anymore. 

I’m crying while writing this down even because that’s all I do these days, is sit in my depression and cry. I try to work out, I try to run random errands, I try anything in the hopes that it’ll help but nothing has helped, and I’m just so sad all the time. 

If anyone has read this whole post, thank you for taking the time to listen to me. I know I’m not alone but it really feels that way all the time.