It’s hard to figure out how to start this but I guess we will start from the beginning. My name is X and I am an addict. Saying this is something I could never have said out loud before but inside, my mind and soul were screaming it. I always thought of myself as a person that was just experiencing drugs or drinking like every other person I knew. Just a phase I’d grow out of but I was sadly mistaken. The difference was I couldn’t just have one. I realize today that these addictive tendencies started from such a young age. From sitting on a computer playing a game for hours upon hours ignoring all responsibilities to chasing the high of riding a skateboard down a hill having no fear of falling. I never understood what I was feeling, only that I always felt different and wanted more… more of the high… more of the thrill… the chase… the feeling of being on top of the world. This is where my story begins.

I could sit here and tell you about every drug I did or every drink I have ever had but that is not what this story is about. Today my story is about the hardships that I had to overcome and ones I have to work on daily. It isn’t all joyous and cheerful but what it is, is my experience, my truth. This is the life I have lived and the life I get to live today.

I won’t bore you with a long backstory but it is important to understand where I came from so…*takes deep breath* Tell me if this sounds familiar: I was born into a wonderful family not ever wanting for anything with nothing but love given from all. Growing up my father was a loving man that supported me in every aspect of life. He was my coach, my mentor, my hero to look up to. My mother was and still is one of the best women I have ever known and I am privileged to call her Mom. She was and is my protector and will fight the world just to make sure I am safe. My older brother was a star athlete I always looked up to. Followed him around like a shadow, always wanting to mimic everything he did. I wanted to be just like him.

This is the family I grew up in. The house with the “white picket fence”. The “Perfect” family. This is what it looked like on the outside and is all my brother and I ever knew. The reality of it was that my father was an alcoholic who was struggling with addiction, all neatly swept under the rug by my mother who kept the house running smoothly. I always saw my father drinking but at the same time I always saw him working. He never missed a baseball game or a graduation, he was always there. So to me, drinking daily and going to work was what every adult did. This was just normal behavior in my household. I never knew about this until years later.

Being predisposed to the notion that drinking was accepted by all and that it wasn’t that big of a deal, I began to experiment myself with drinking. I wish this is where my story would have ended but it didn’t. This is the start of a kid trying to figure out where he fits in in the World and what that means to him.

I always felt like an outcast in school and even playing on sports teams. No matter what I was doing or how well I did it, I still never felt like I was “one of them”. Today, I know this was just my mind manifesting ideas that weren’t true but as a 12 year old kid, this was such a hard time for me. I was picked on daily in school for the clothes I wore and wasn’t sure how to get through the day, but what I did know is that I could drink or use to stop feeling the way I did for at least a short period of time. That is what I did… daily. I had a few close friends and we would all sneak into our parents liquor cabinet and take swigs of whatever we got our hands on. Relief was almost instantaneous. At this moment I knew I had found my new way to escape the way I was feeling.

A few years had passed and I found myself and a handful of my friends now drinking and using to just drink and use. The time of drinking and using to cover up how I felt became the only way I could feel. I began using before and after school. My world started to revolve around it and all I could see was me finally being a part of a group. I was finally one of them. This is what I was chasing. I was finally accepted by someone for who I thought I was.

We were thick as thieves and loved every minute of it. There was never a day I wasn’t partying and hanging out with friends even on school days. Most of the time everyone would just skip school and end up at my house. My house when I was in high school was the house to go to if you wanted to drink or smoke weed or whatever you wanted. My parents didn’t know what we were doing but they would say “at least you guys are safe here”. We took this to the extreme like all addicts do. Give me an inch and I’ll take a mile. At this point in life I was experimenting with whatever I could get my hands on and there was no stopping it. The more i tried the more i loved it and i was hooked.

Like I said before this isn’t going to be a story about how much or what I used but a story of what I experienced growing up, how I found recovery, and the life I’m living today. So let’s get back to this shall we.

If you believe a college scholarship, full ride, and career would have an effect on the lifestyle choices I was making, you would be dead wrong. I continued down this line of using, and when i mean using i mean using everything i could get my hands on for a long time. There was no stopping me and there was no one that could tell me different. For years on end, my addiction became the only thing in my life that was blossoming. My need to use grew tenfold. I dropped out of college and couldn’t hold a job. I would manipulate my mother into supporting me and this went on for years. I never knew how much stress and guilt I put on her. I would blame her for the things in my life and how I was living.

This is where my story gets very out of hand like it hasn’t already. I’m going to use some terminology that I learned in recovery so bare with me here. So at this point, in my eyes, my life wasn’t unmanageable because I was managing to get high daily. I had a roof over my head and my mother was paying the bills. Like the stories I used to tell myself to trick my mind into thinking I was okay, I left out the part of having no running water, no food, and not a dollar to my name. And to add to this, I was making my own mother suffer by manipulating her into giving me money for so-called food but actually using it to get high and then figuring out what I could tell her next time to get more out of her and not even thinking about how or if she was okay.

This is the truth of addiction. It wasn’t the fun times i had when i was sneaking into my parents cabinet to get a drink but the times i had no water and nothing to eat because my mind told me i didn’t need food, i just needed more dope. Or when I would con my mother into the last dollar to her name to go cop more. This is where my addiction brought me. I hated myself but I knew I needed dope more than worrying about how I was hurting everyone around me.

My life was spiraling out of control and my higher power came to save me before I even knew what that was. I was indicted on Three(3) charges, Two(2) counts of manufacturing and delivery of a schedule II narcotic – cocaine – within 1000 ft of a school and One(1) count of conspiracy. I was looking at 8-40 years in prison on my first time ever getting busted by the cops. This was the best thing to ever happen to me but still at this point I didn’t think it was. I remember going into court and the judge telling me I couldn’t go to prison or I would die there because I was still using. Like I said before, my higher power was there to protect me and to do what I couldn’t do for myself and ask for help. It showed up in the form of a probation officer, who was only there waiting for the next hearing, with an offer of detox, rehab, and drug court. April 14, 2019 will be a day I remember for the rest of my life. This was the day I was gifted a new chance to live. This was the last day I ever used drugs.

I was sent to detox rehab and then to a year of drug court. I got introduced to a 12 step program that saved me and gave me a new way to live. Between drug court holding me accountable for my actions and working my 12 step program, my life started to get better. I began to see the changes that were promised to me by so many before and I started to believe I could do this. For the first time in a very long time, I finally started to feel like a human again. I still didnt know who I was because I have been chasing this feeling since I was just a child but I did find out that I wasn’t this bad guy that had to use drugs in order to feel accepted by others or to feel better about myself. I finally got to understand what a healthy relationship was and got married to my high school sweetheart that actually was there for me before I was there for myself. She held it down till I could figure out how to even be a human again. I can’t thank her enough. She was and still is my biggest supporter and helps in every aspect of life. My true partner for life and I love her.

I finally completed drug court and I remember feeling so proud of myself because the last time I actually completed anything was when I graduated high school… high and not remembering it, but graduating nonetheless. This day though, I will remember for the rest of my life. My felony was dropped and my record was clean. I knew what I wanted to do in life and I finally felt I had a purpose. Helping other struggling addicts find a new way to live. I told the judge and my treatment team this and they gave me a glowing recommendation. First time ever I had a judge tell me that he would love to write a reference letter for me. It blew my mind the difference one year clean did to the way I looked at the world and what it really was about. I found a new way to live and I was going to help show others how.

I was offered and happily accepted my first job as a peer in a rehab facility a mere week after completing drug court, which was insane and everything I wanted. This was such a huge step in the direction I was setting for myself to work in the field of recovery. The job was not exactly what I expected but it got my foot in the door.

I was then told about a program that was offered from Workforce to help place peers in facilities and I knew where I wanted to be and jumped on the opportunity. They helped get everything I needed to be placed wherever I was needed. I was offered a position at Youth Services System working at the YSS Recovery homes as a Peer Recovery Support Specialist where I could help fellow addicts find a new way to live and help steer them in the right direction. This was it! I finally found where I belong and where I can really help others. I see myself being here for a long time. I continue to educate myself by enrolling in college and working on my Alcohol and Drug counseling license. The possibilities are endless as long as you don’t put one in you. I have my kids, my wife, and my life back. Today I have more than I could ever dream of having.

My journey in active addiction has ended but my journey in recovery has just begun. Just remember addiction doesn’t have a type, it doesn’t care if you are white or black, gay or straight, rich or poor, addiction will find you no matter what, even if you live in a house with a white picket fence.