Trigger Warning: Depressive themes.

This story may affect some readers experiencing similar feelings of low self worth and depressive symptoms. If you do decide to read on and you identify with the themes expressed here please do seek support.

It might be unnecessary, but I’d like to talk it out. I’m sorry that I’m doing this here instead of talking to my friends, but I just can’t talk to them about it. I’ve tried, but it feels like they’re not listening. I know.. I’m well aware that even without me, everyone will be fine. I like my friends, but in the end, I know that they don’t like me as much. Sometimes, I feel like I’m just tolerated in their company. It bothers me that I’m not someone important enough for any of them. I can’t even share my problems with anyone. I’m tired of pretending like nothing is wrong with me. I feel like I’m walking on a fine line. Or, I don’t know, like the cup is full and it’s about to spill over. I… I’ve only recently started to realize this, but I’ve always had problems. That’s why I hate being alone with my thoughts. That’s why I like to stay up late, because if I’m too tired to think about my worries, I won’t even have time to worry.

I want sincerity. I want real friends. I want a family. I want to trust someone… But every time I break down and try to express what’s bothering me, it feels like no one cares. I don’t have anyone to tell, and I don’t want to. I know there’s someone who would listen and support me, but I just… I don’t want to ruin our current relationship. I definitely won’t tell my parents, they have enough problems without me.

Hah… I want to be heard, but I can’t even talk about it. I feel ashamed, awkward, and disgusted by this. I’m not good enough to be supported. I… I’m essentially nothing… I’m a friend to everyone, but I’m not special to anyone. I’m not the best friend to anyone. And no one is the best friend to me. Not anymore. In the end, it always leads to the same thing: I ruin everything, and we stop talking. Or someone else ruins everything, and I stop talking to them. And I’m afraid. I don’t want to be alone again. Yes, it doesn’t really bother me in any way, but I am.. I just don’t want to feel it again. I don’t want to feel disgusting again. Otherwise, why doesn’t anyone talk to me except my friends? Yes, I have an androgynous appearance and a strange personality. It upsets me that I’m not really liked for no particular reason. No one looks at me sideways, no. But for everyone, I’m an empty place that’s embarrassing to even think about. I feel empty all the time I spend alone with my thoughts and silence. I don’t feel like a real person. More like an empty shell. It’s difficult for me.. One unpleasant character once said, “You can only save those who want to be saved.” I’m wondering if I want to be saved??? Or not? Is the fact that I don’t tell anyone about my problems considered a lack of desire to be saved? I don’t know, I don’t know…

I want to be a real person. I don’t want to drown in self-deprecation. I don’t want to feel helpless. I don’t want anything. Sometimes it feels easier to end it all… No, I don’t want to die, but… Sometimes I want to forget who I am. I want to pretend that I don’t exist. To be myself, the real me. But who am I really? I don’t know, I act differently everywhere. When I’m alone with myself, I’m not the same person I am with someone else. Which one is the real me? Maybe there’s no real me at all. Maybe I don’t exist. Damn it…

I don’t want to think about it. I want to forget about it again. Fuck, I haven’t thought about this shit since I was 12, why is it happening again? I want peace and tranquility, not… This. And to achieve that, I’ll eventually have to talk to someone, right? I don’t want to… I don’t want to… How can I do that when I can’t even admit it to myself? People close to me think I rarely cry. No. I’m very emotional. I cry a lot. I’m often upset, and most of the time, I don’t even cry because of the stories I read.

I don’t ask for much, I just want to be special to someone. Not romantically, but platonic. I want to spend time with someone without any “romantic” feelings, because I don’t have them and I’ve never had them. Am I not good enough for this? Am I asking for too much? Does it make me a bad person if I want this?

In the end, I’ve never been a good person. I’ll never be a good person. I’m too selfish. I say things before I think them through. I often don’t realize that I’ve hurt someone, and I only realize it when it’s too late. Many people think that I don’t care, but that’s not true. Yes, I don’t care about others, but I do care about the opinions of my family and friends. I… I’m not an empty space that forgets about bad or unpleasant things. That’s what makes me feel bad.

Maybe it would be better if I didn’t remember everything that makes me the way I am. Every time I talk about my problems, I’m either not taken seriously or people don’t want to listen. In the end, I’ve just gotten used to ignoring my feelings. And I feel terrible. Just because I’m smiling doesn’t mean everything is okay. Just because I’m not talking about my problems doesn’t mean I don’t trust. In the end, I’m just afraid. Fear doesn’t make me a bad person. But I’ll never be good. I’m sorry for that.. I’m really sorry for that.. In the end, I’m nothing more than a pathetic human being who’s afraid to be honest with his own emotions.

I tried to talk about it with a psychologist, but I just couldn’t. When he asked me about what was bothering me, I couldn’t say a word. I didn’t even think about what was bothering me. It was as if there were no problems. It was as if I had forgotten about everything. I know that there is a name for this, but it makes it even worse. I couldn’t even tell a damn psychologist about it, so I’m sharing it here just to make myself feel better…

If you’ve really read all of this, it’s better not to bother your head with it. I’m just glad that you’ve read it. If you encounter something similar, talk to a specialist, don’t push yourself as much as I do.