What is a personality, really? Who am I when no one is looking? I’m an amalgamation of all the people I’ve ever loved. I see them in myself, glimpses of people who are no longer around. An inflection, a word, a saying, an inside joke that no one I know now knows. It used to make me sad, but now I think of those people and what they taught me. They were in. My life when I needed them, and left when I outgrew them. Its a way to measure where I’ve been, my growth since those people were around. I miss them sometimes, miss the way we would laugh or joke or talk, but it wouldn’t be that way anymore. If it were still the same it would mean I was staying stagnant.
My personality changes with the people i’m around, the people I love become part of me, and I have to make room for who I am with them, but I never really let go of who I was before. I can still feel the part of me from high school, when I didn’t know where id be in five years, didn’t know if id be here at all. The boy I loved, and I did love him, is part of me. That’s probably why I’ll never get over him. Why no matter what he does, if he comes back to me I’ll let him, even if it is different now.
I don’t know how other people love, and I think that’s okay. I used to think it was like me: unconditionally and fully. Thats not the way it is. Some people leave and never look back, they said they loved me but left like I was nothing important. I can pin point when I stopped letting people all the way in, or more so letting myself all the way out. It feels bad, not allowing myself to be fully known by the people I love, but that part of me needs to be kept safe. I don’t think I could take another best friend betrayal. Just thinking about it hurts in my chest. This got off track.
Who am I? I’m no one, I’m everyone. I guess I am just a mirror. I let people see the parts of themselves they need to see in me. Sitting here alone I feel empty. Books and shows and songs. I am the song Im listening to, I am the character in the book I’m reading, I am the girl in the show I’m watching. I am the people I surround myself with. But what happens when I don’t know the people around me? Who am I then?
Am I the things I love? then I would be a song that takes over your body. I would be a book that you cant put down. I would be sex, primal but loving, that leaves you so sated, so sure of your love that was expressed. I would be a piece of art that touches something hidden in you, something you keep so protected and guarded that you forget its even in you until you see me.
This part will sound like that really annoying girl that thinks she’s better than everyone because she goes to therapy even though her therapist is actually an enabler. I am an empath. And its ironic, because I am so terrible at comforting people. I used to be better at it, but as I’ve gotten older I’ve gotten worse at the whole comfort thing. Sometimes it feels like a curse. To feel everyones emotions so completely, it takes over me and my brain doesn’t have the words anymore. Being alone is a sweet relief. The boredom, the emptiness is much more manageable than the whiplash of other peoples problems. Even reading has become draining sometimes.
I dont know where I was going with this.
I think I was trying to be poetic and deep. But what if I’m just pretending? What if I cant feel myself that deeply anymore? I can’t tell who I’m trying to be. I don’t know what the viewers want me to be.
At least I have my dog. He keeps me here and in the moment. I’m spiraling? Well snap out of it because its time to take him out to pee. I don’t think anyone truly knows how much he means to me. That scares me sometimes. What will happen to me when he dies? If he died tomorrow, I would have to check myself into a mental institution I think. He is my whole world, and I know Im his. It sounds dramatic to say. Its the canon girl in her 20’s gets a boy dog that keeps her alive. He wont leave me, not like people do. People will leave you because of the smallest things, things you don’t even know happened.
People’s feelings are fickle, they change with the wind. Im guilty of it with people I don’t care about. Access to me is limited, the bouncer is paid handsomely. But once I care about someone, it takes something drastic for me to leave. I think, no I know, thats why it hurts so bad every time I get left. I’ve started leaving first. Before they can burrow into my skin and plant roots. It’s unfair to them, I’m sure they’re great, but I have to protect that girl in there, she’s so sweet and loving. I don’t want her to get hurt anymore than she has been. Someday, someone will coax her out, brave the dragon bitch at the gates and break down the walls. I yearn for that. To trust someone with her heart. With my heart. I’m scared they wont come along. More than I like to talk about. But I have to talk about it.
I love being a strong, independent woman. I despise having to be a strong, independent woman. I don’t know how I could be content alone. I’ve never seen that for myself. Ive always imagined a husband and kids and dogs and a big happy house. 23 years of seeing that future for myself. Its terrifying to think I may not get it. That scares me more than almost anything. It scares me to think I’ve built my perfect man in my head and ill never find him in real life. I dont know how to stop dreaming of my husband. He is handsome and kind and funny and my best friend and greatest lover and an incredible father. And I know plenty of handsome and kind and funny guys, but I’ve only ever seen a future with the first one. I dont know if he hurt me at the perfect moment to traumatize me from letting others in or if I just haven’t truly gotten to know those who came after. He is a part of me. A bigger part than anyone realizes. I dont know how he got so deep under my skin, he’s practically in my bones. Maybe its a trauma bond. He was there for me after what happened with Natalie, before he even knew anything was wrong. He was the first boy, first person, to make me truly feel beautiful.
I often wonder about where he will end up. It makes me a little sick anytime I think of his future without me in it. I don’t think he thinks about me at all. No matter how he is now, I know the boy I fell in love with all those years ago is in there, just like the girl he claimed to have been in love with is buried in me. Too many walls have been set up for us to be those people with each other anymore.
Maybe that is how I get him out. Maybe if I stop holding onto the sweet innocent girl he knew, I will stop holding onto him. Is it worth it? Is it even possible? Ive never let pieces of myself go, just hoarded them away in case I needed them again. If I let her go, let her stay in the past, can I still love purely?
Do people really change? I’ve changed, but I’m exactly the same as i’ve always been. Do people really let old versions of themselves drift into the abyss?