As I write this today, I feel hollow. I feel disorganized, disassembled, and broken into a million pieces. It feels as though I am simply taking oxygen from the world, exhausted from the inside out. I am depressed; badly, loudly, and clearly. Lately, just living feels like a punishment.
To be clear, this isn’t about a breakup. I am a 33-year-old woman with a loving, supportive husband. He is a person who thinks of everyone else first, and although many misunderstand him, I know he loves me deeply. But that selflessness, his tendency to carry everyone else’s burdens, has taken a heavy toll on our lives, and a very heavy toll on me.
I feel like I’ve lost the person I used to be. I remember being the younger daughter; a happy, jolly person who didn’t worry about the future. Now, I am terrified of a future I wasn’t ready for. I feel a desperate urge to run away to somewhere unknown where I don’t have to see a single face.
The only thing keeping me grounded is my dad. I want to live for him and make him proud, but right now, I feel so sick and incapable of anything. I love my mom, too, even though our relationship is complicated and often irritating; I still find myself wishing I could just sleep on her lap and forget everything.
I want to share the unhappy moments, and the burden I’m carrying with my parents, but something always stops me. I don’t want them to have to adjust to my pain.
I am so tired of the words “adjust” and “compromise.” I absolutely hate them. Why is it that others are allowed to hurt me, yet I am the one expected to “adjust”? I am in a battle with my inner self, and while I am struggling, I am also reaching a point where I am no longer ready to bend.
I know I’m not in the wrong this time. I am not ready to back down or forgive those who have done this to me. I don’t even want to mention them by name in my story, they don’t deserve that space. I am just waiting for the universe to find them and do what I simply don’t have the strength to do myself.
I just want to find my way back to being okay again.