The majority of girls grow up with mothers; it is estimated 96%, so doesn’t it seem so normal? Unfortunately I experienced being a part of the 4% who didn’t.

Growing up with a father who is willing to do everything for you is nice. However, there’s a part of guilt that would of killed for my mother to be by my side as well. Having to experience grieving for someone who is still living is a feeling no person deserves.

Watching movies, walking in the streets, sitting on the bus, I witness mothers and daughters everywhere and my heart sinks. Along side this, in school when mothers day came, or an incident happened and the teachers asked if they should ring my mum, I felt a pain in me every time, how does a child respond to that? Do you make them feel awkward and explain you don’t live with her or keep your chin up and pretend you didn’t hear the name said.

I didn’t grow up with bows in my hair, the period talk, the sex talk or the feeling of being able to tell my mum about the first boy I liked. Wether i would’ve even had the confidence to do that is another story. It’s always felt like there was a big hole in my soul and it was never filled, even the odd times I got to see my mum it never filled that deep void. Perhaps it was knowing it was going to end soon, and wouldn’t happen again for a long long time.

While I grew up to be mature and emotionally intelligent, ‘from the abandonment’ my father says, there will always be the little girl in me that wonders why she wasn’t good enough for her own mother. The girl that was sat on the stairs listening to the excuses my mum told to my papa of why she couldn’t come this time. I’ve always found myself looking for someone to nurture me and I truly believe that feeling never leaves.
“I don’t need my mum anyway,’’ I say as I watch every mother and daughter I see with envy. You learn to get up and get on with it, but you will always remain the girl who just needed her mum.