Enough Now

Enough Now

I’ve barely left my bed for six weeks, I haven’t been able to walk for over two years or drive for over six years. Now, finally nearing the end of my recovery and having, after years of applications and a court hearing, been issued my driving license back, I’ve simply had enough.

I had an internal brace and synthetic ligament put in my ankle six weeks ago and they removed scar tissue from the joint following a two year old injury that never got better. Now having been in bed in various casts and air casts for nearly two months I have sores on my legs, between my legs and I’ve put on so much weight I resemble a small whale. Never mind the pain. I’m used to the pain. But I feel gross. I’ve had enough. 

I feel like a rotting caged animal. I am miserable but for the first time in many moons I shed a few tears this morning. Usually I can’t cry no matter how much I want to but today I exploded and it was actually quite glorious. To be able to actually release some of the pent up emotion was very relieving. But what to do next? I need to work but am completely exhausted from today’s meltdown and today the codeine isn’t touching the sides of the pain i’m in. This morning I couldn’t move the non injured leg. It’s been going numb for over a year and burns if I sit still for more than a few minutes. The docs think it’s a pinched nerve so I’ve got an injection and scan coming up next month. So basically neither of my legs work, I’m grateful it’s not permanent but honestly, today I’ve had enough.

The funny thing so many people have said “get well soon”. I’m so used to being mentally ill that my natural reaction is to say “I’m not ill, just injured!” as I associate ill health with my schizoaffective disorder. At least that’s pretty much in check now. Complex PTSD seems harder to treat with horrific nightmares disturbing my sleep every night. I’m tired. I’ve had enough. 

Reach out? To who? No one can fix my situation, not even myself. I just have to wait for my ankle to heal, wait for my injection, wait until I’ve got enough money coming in to afford to go back to therapy to try and get on top of the nightmares. Wait for life to be liveable again. But right now i’m isolated and the loneliness adds to the physical pain i’m in. I want to run, be in the air and visit my friends. I will again and I know i’m lucky to have such friends and for all of this to be temporary. I hate that i’m moaning and whinging but I’ve just had enough. 

If you’re reading this please don’t worry. I will be fine. Life will be better and I will get through this. I just needed a rant and this seemed the perfect place to have one! Thank you for reading. I feel better than I did before I wrote this.

Enough now.