As I delve more into counseling I am starting to explore and better understand my emotions. Looking at one of the biggest things that is a major hurdle for me.

I guess being hard on myself is something I struggle with because, growing up, all I knew was negativity, anger, and resentment. Though, in reality, the process is not linear, it might be helpful for us to break down what ‘forgiveness’, or ‘releasing’ is, not merely as a concept, but as a step-by-step journey.

We face the truth

The ugly, painful, inconvenient truth. The painful truth is the disconnect between my mother and I…

We tell our story

We can start with one person, perhaps our therapist, or even our diary. I try to write as much as I can because holding it in only does more damage and I tend to shut down and I tend to not be able to tell my story because it’s hard to talk about, without me feeling like I’m doing or saying something wrong.

We give voice to anger

This is a difficult step for most of us because we have mistaken anger for disconnection, betrayal or aggression. It is essential that we do not direct the anger back towards ourselves in the form of shame. I do blame the betrayal on my mother, and I feel upset about the disconnection in our relationship, but the truth of the matter, I do direct the anger towards myself in the form of shame because I feel like its my fault, even though I know its not.

We grieve

The tunnel of grief is dark, but light at the end is liberation. I do grieve because I want to be closer to my mother and have a better relationship with her, but I feel like I can’t, because I feel like she still has power over me as an adult.

We integrate our past into the present

We mature from a child-like mind to having a much more full and realistic vision of reality. We can see and hold both the good and the bad, the dysfunctions and the wisdom, the love and the hate, the anger and the compassion. I admit, I do integrate my past into the present, because I haven’t been able to fully heal, like I would like to, and I harbor, the emotions that shut me down that I have held in since I was a child.

Finally, we learn to be with our family as they are today

This is when the rubber hits the road. While apologies and redemption are not always possible, we still must learn to manage our emotional triggers, set healthy boundaries, and healthily relate to them in the present day. Its hard for me to do this step, because at times, I’m like mom, enough is enough, you need to stop. She doesn’t know what she does to me and she doesn’t understand that there are repercussions to the way she talks to me and the way she treats me. I know she cares, but at times, she has a horrible way of showing it, and makes me apologize when I feel like I shouldn’t have to.

It is about the pain of having a childhood where our needs are not met, the anger we hold towards our parents, and what we can do about it. I feel like there are a lot of needs that aren’t met, and I feel like my wants and needs were never fully understood, and that my emotions were denied or invalidated as a child and that I’m angry because as a kid, it was like I was silenced anytime I spoke and that what I wanted or said never mattered.

It is particularly relevant if you have been through childhood trauma— caused either by neglect, abuse, or other toxic family dynamic. Childhood trauma, neglect, abuse, I went through it all. Having an alcoholic parent, complicated things even more because at times it felt like mom never attempted to shield me from the ugly truth of what was really going through in the home growing up as a child. It seemed like even though at times when she tried to hide she couldn’t, it was evident growing up because I was targeted as a child growing up by my father. After all, in fits of anger and rage, he would abuse me physically, mentally, and emotionally, and the nightmares soon ensued. It was the conversations I overheard as a child during their arguments that I was the unwanted child, or that I was to blame for things that happened at home.

I was neglected in ways, because mom was always at work, and dad was never home or in the picture when it came to me being a child, he was never involved in my life and never tried to be. I spent most of my time with my grandma and grandpa, and honestly, it was my safe space, it was the only place I felt loved and accepted. I never wanted to go home because, for me, home was where I felt trapped and scared.

This is important if you were born an emotionally sensitive and intense child, into a family that did not understand you. My family never truly really understood me, and it was evident, that the more I asked for help, or the more time I was at doctor’s offices, or in the hospital, or if I needed something, it was always an inconvenience, and it was a detriment to them that I even asked, or as a child, depended on them for things I needed.

The goal here is not for us to harbor self-pity or to blame anyone, but simply to validate some of the painful experiences, and to look at what we can do now to release some of these emotional poisons that we have carried for far too long.

Yes, I have carried things for way too long, and believe me, when I say they have affected me but I never had a way to no longer carry them, or to not feel responsible. I guess I never really tried to blame or wanted to blame my parents, but they didn’t provide the most nurturing environment for me growing up. Home was a place I feared, a place I resented because for me it wasn’t home, it was a nightmare, it was something that made me fear being around them, and caused nightmares and negative memories.

Times spent with our close family members, especially parents, are often the worst triggers for our intense negative emotions. Sometimes we wonder why we are triggered by them even when they are old, frail, live far away from us, and can no longer influence our lives. Even when we have successfully walked away and built a life outside of our home when in contact we can immediately revert back to feeling powerless and frustrated like we are five years old again, or that we start behaving like a raging, uncontrollable teenager.

Granted I have family in this area, but they are my triggers, because when I try to be civil and have conversations with them, they never talk to me, or they say well if you wouldn’t have been a certain way, or it’s your fault, or you know why we don’t accept you, etc., they’ve had horrible influence in my life. So over the years, I’ve walked away and I’ve lived my life without them because I don’t want them in my life if they won’t or can’t accept me.

Even when we are living in independent adult bodies, we can feel caged by these strong emotional turmoils.

On the surface, forgiving your parents (or anyone for that matter) may seem insignificant, but forgiving your mother or father is actually the best thing you can do for the quality of your life. Even low-grade parental blame and resentment perpetuate a cycle of emotional pain and suffering that can negatively affect your adult relationships, finances, and overall well-being, ultimately preventing the love, abundance, and happiness you desire and deserve. Forgiving? I honestly try to but it’s hard, it’s like why should I? If I’m not to blame, then why should I apologize for something or forgive them when they are wrong. It should be them apologizing to me for hurting me.

Blaming your parents not only keeps the wound alive, but it also tells your subconscious mind that your parents currently have power over you or your life, and, therefore, blame programs you for disempowerment. Like a virus, this dynamic can spread to every facet of your life. Additionally, whenever we blame another, we become entangled with their energy and stay entangled until we let go, and, consequently, we cannot grow beyond the parent we blame. I try not to let them have power over me but there’s a point to where they are your family and sometimes it’s our nature to realize they are our parents and will not disavow them.

Of course, it’s no big surprise that forgiveness is the key to emotional freedom, but, in most cases, forgiveness is easier said than done. But why?

First, you must realize that blame, anger, and various related emotions are defensive guards that protect you from future harm. Since true forgiveness requires you to release this defense, the very act of forgiveness creates emotional risk. Therefore, to forgive your parents, you must trust they won’t hurt you again, but, the hard truth is, you can never be certain – there is no way to control or predict another person’s behavior, and sometimes loving people do hurtful things.

If you are still vulnerable to being hurt, forgiveness could destroy the only defense you have, and, if this is the case, your protective ego will not allow you to forgive. Therefore, before you can forgive, you must eliminate the risk of emotional harm, and this inevitably means self-responsibility.

There’s no way around it, as long as you blame or shift responsibility in any regard, you give others the power to hurt you, and as long as you give others the power to hurt you, you’re going to be hurt. Therefore, the only way to prevent emotional harm is by releasing blame and taking full responsibility for every emotion you experience, but there is no point in assuming responsibility if you don’t also uncover the dynamics behind your childhood issues. Therefore, to make yourself immune to emotional harm, you must pinpoint the hidden cause of your childhood wounds.

We often confuse an emotional wound with the event or experience that caused the wound, but the actual wound is not the situation or circumstance. An emotional wound is the disempowering belief we adopted in response to the experience. Without needing to analyze the details, the core emotional wound is virtually always unworthiness, and, in fact, unworthiness (or conditional worthiness) is the core wound of every other emotional wound.

All children have emotional needs that must be met to feel worthy of love and life; these needs include approval, acceptance, appreciation, understanding, validation, respect, and so on. Although children require all emotional needs to be fulfilled, one emotional need almost always stands out from the rest, and because this is usually the need least met, it is the emotional need most associated with worth, and, as a result, it becomes the child’s Primary Emotional Need (PEN).

Children naturally adopt beliefs that explain why one or both parents fail to provide this emotional need, so when a child doesn’t receive approval, for example, the child naturally believes she is unworthy of approval, or more likely, she believes she must meet certain conditions to prove she is worthy. Hypersensitive to this need being met, she automatically interprets approval as proof of worthiness and judgment as proof of unworthiness, and this is why judgment can cause intense emotional pain even in adulthood.

Here’s the thing: like every human being, you were born unconditionally worthy, and there is absolutely nothing you can do to prove, improve, or disprove worth. Therefore the emotional pain associated with believing you are unworthy is due to the fact it is completely untrue! Emotional pain is a warning system that alerts you to false beliefs.

Self-responsibility means that you must own your unconditional worth and you must take back your power by releasing the expectation that your parents meet any of your emotional needs, and this also includes releasing the need for apology, acknowledgment, or retribution.

As you take responsibility for your life and your choices, you must stop seeking parental permission and emotional support, and, in fact, you don’t even need your parents to believe in you or your dreams. The same reasons your parents didn’t meet your needs in childhood are the same reasons they still don’t. So you can let them off the hook and release all expectations!

Finally, when you know your unconditional worth, and you own your intrinsic power, your parents can’t hurt you emotionally, and, consequently, forgiveness becomes possible.

As an adult-child, it is up to you to set boundaries with your parents. Initially, it might feel uncomfortable, but, over time, strong boundaries will strengthen the relationship and allow for a deeper connection. So, to create a positive adult relationship with your parents, what boundaries do you need as an empowered adult?

Keep in mind, a boundary of respect, for example, is vague and you probably need to define the parameters of respect, so clearly and specifically spell it out in terms of communication and interaction. In all likelihood, you will need to teach your parents how to treat you, speak to you, and behave in ways that reflect respect.

Effective boundaries require integrity, and this means that you must back up every boundary with proper and consistent attention. Therefore, don’t expect your parents to automatically know when they are encroaching on a boundary. When people are used to behaving in habitual ways, it takes time to recognize new boundaries and reorganize new behavior accordingly. This means that it’s your responsibility to protect your boundaries, and, therefore, confidently give clear feedback; tell your mom or dad when they are crossing (or about to cross) a boundary.

All I wanted growing up was love, acceptance, and validation. I wanted to be appreciated, to be treated like the woman I am. Yes, resenting my parents has done more harm, but they will never know the tears I cried, or feel the void in my heart. But I had to learn that I would be stronger and make something of myself.

People say you can’t miss something you never had but it’s a lie. I don’t hate them but I hold them responsible for their actions and inactions. There’s a hole in my heart I don’t think can be patched, his heart was never with his family.

It’s been about the willpower to survive, the strength to make it one more day, and if it weren’t for that willpower, it would be like throwing away the opportunities that will be given to me, and it would be about forgetting about the future ahead of me, and about confronting the things I’ve carried with me over the years, but I had decided it wasn’t worth it.

I couldn’t face the painful past. I had to do what I had to do to move on, no matter how much it hurt. If they can’t be supportive or understand then that’s on them, my life is mine, and I don’t need their permission. This is my story, sure I wish I could turn back the hands of time, and I wish that no matter how painful my past was, I’ve changed, and I’ve grown. It’s not that I’ve walked away, but I’ve faced my problems.

Sure, it’s been a rough road, but because of faith, trust, and belief, I get through no matter the level of difficulty. The yelling, the screaming, the blaming, the ridiculing, it’s a thing of the past. These trials and tests only made me stronger. The endless nights of fighting tears from my father’s abuse, his endless nights of drinking, and abusing my mother, there were so many times I wanted to intervene, or try to intervene, there were times that all I could was try to protect myself from him. Times I had sat in my room crying to God to end the misery.

There were so many times I questioned why God would make me and my family endure the abuse, and there were times my fight or flight instincts came into play and had to prevent him from abusing my mother and me worse than what he had already done.

There were times when I had to let myself endure the abuse to keep him away from her. But now I know why my mother left him, I learned to understand, and I learned that she didn’t want us to face what she tried so hard to deny. I saw more than enough of what I was willing to tolerate.

She endured what she did for the sake of trying to give my sister and I the picture-perfect family, but it never really happened. Maybe it was what God had planned so that I could be molded and made stronger than the storms of life that we were facing.

The curves, the obstacles, my faith was tested and I’ve used my faith to keep me grounded.

Faith is what kept me going when I felt like there was nowhere to turn, and I wanted to lose all hope and give up, and ultimately I persevered.