This letter is to my younger self, but before that, I just want to tell a story first.

‎As a kid, I grew up as the oldest, and I was raised to know I’d probably have to take care of my siblings for the rest of my life.

‎At that young age, I didn’t really have any emotional support. I’d be left alone sometimes when they saw me crying, or told to shut up and threatened if I kept showing my negative emotions like crying or complaining (probably why I’m so awkward now haha). But anyways, because of having pent up emotions I keep holding back that sometimes results in me tending to “explode”, which is what my family called bad behaviour.

‎Throughout my childhood this felt isolating in an emotional way, because I knew no one would dare talk about their feelings that it felt so taboo that it became a norm to suck it up. But I guess back then it didn’t get to me as much because I knew lingering too much would only make my head hurt. It was not until 3rd grade, which, when I learnt to understand my emotions more I realised that some situations in my school life triggered a certain part of me.

Basically, at school we had this teacher who was very strict, and situations would made me question my sanity. I was uncomfortable because life at school was so intolerable that my emotions were practically bursting. At that time, I didn’t know how to regulate them, so I’d just be bursting into tears at school or while everyone was asleep at home. I guess it got to a point where I felt drained of life and I started to lose interest in stuff.

‎So you’re probably asking by now “Are you just gonna talk about your whole boring life?”

‎No, absolutely not.

‎When it got to that point as a kid who was probably 8-9 yrs old at the time, I knew something was going on. My head was fuzzy and I was overflowing with negative thoughts and emotions that felt draining everyday.

It started a streak of mean comments to myself from myself over and over in my head and at some point I thought life was pointless. So I wrote a letter and buried it in soil which I don’t remember the full contents of but it basically said “I’ll pay my parents back, I’ll do everything write before 18 yrs old but by 18 I’ll KYS,” which, looking back now, damn that was intense for a 8-9 yrs old. Fast forward to 9th grade and I attempted suicide for the second time and it was the lowest point in my life. I was lost and I was still buried in my own emotions and stuck in my head. By 11th grade I tried to turn my life around and found God in the process. Now I am in my first year in College and18 yrs old.

Looking back, I had a dark path but at least now I am tracking a promising life, at least I hope so!

‎This is just my personal experience with self doubt, depression, and anxiety and from dealing with it at a young age which I haven’t told many people about, but now it’s more freeing than ever. I want to leave this here because breaking a promise that’s almost 11 years old that my 8-9 years old made was quite fulfilling.